Although it has been evident to me and those closest to me for a while, I have had a hard time acknowledging that completing this master's degree may not be the right move for me at this stage of my life. I keep trying to force my way through it.

It reminds me of a short story about a fly, written by Price Pritchett, that I heard recently. A fly is trying to fly through a windowpane and, no matter how hard it tries, it will never make it to the other side. There is an open door across the room. A slight change in approach, using only a fraction of its current effort, and the fly could achieve what it desires.

“Trying harder” isn’t necessarily the solution to achieving more. It may not offer any real promise for getting what you want out of life. Sometimes, in fact, it’s a big part of the problem. – Price Pritchett

Right now I'm feeling like that fly, bashing my head against the wall when there are many other ways to achieve the life I want. I don't want to be burning out my energy on futile efforts; I want to pour the time and energy I have outside of my day job into things that are more meaningful to me: my health, my relationships, my business, and more. Nevertheless, there are some questions that I need to answer for myself before I can let grad school go.

Am I quitting because it's hard?

There is a difference between bailing on something because it's hard and because it's not right for me. At first I thought it was tough to tell the difference. It's really not that complicated though: if I'm quitting to sit around and watch Netflix, that's a red flag; if I'm quitting to devote that energy to other aspects of my life that excite me more, then let's rock and roll. Beyond that, when I think about who I am, I know I am not afraid of hard work and there are plenty of examples in my life that back that up. I actually get quite a bit of satisfaction out of achieving goals through effort. The key, however, is that the goal needs to be something I want. I have a very difficult time investing effort when I don't see the value.

Am I sticking with it because I'm stubborn?

I have significant amount of perseverance and grit, I tend to stick with problems longer than others. This has mostly been a positive in my life, leading to successes, yet that's not always the case. Think of the fly above - no matter how hard the fly worked to get through that window, it was never going to happen. I was also raised to follow through on commitments. You stick it out and finish what you agreed to and, once that's done, then you can move on and never do that thing again if you don't want to. Sprinkle on top of that some hustle and grind culture and it feels like pushing through is the only option. What if that's not the best option though, let alone the only option? When does pushing through become detrimental to my health? What if it doesn't have to be so forced? What if listening to my heart and intuition leads to a more natural flow? What if creating wins can feel enjoyable instead?

Am I afraid of other people's opinions?

Is this degree something I really want or am I trying to finish it because I am more concerned about what people might say if I drop out? This is something I have been digging into in general in my life lately. Am I doing things for me or for other people? Am I chasing my own goals or am I fulfilling other people's expectations?

Am I hanging on because of my ego/identity?

Academia has always come easily to me. Inevitably over the years I built up a portion of my identity that says, "I'm a great student." If I drop out of grad school, it would feel like a major failure (even though I've done it before!) - and a serious blow to the ego. I know that's not a compelling reason to stay the course but I also know that, since I am capable of doing it, if I don't complete the degree the feeling of unfinished business is going to bother me.

Am I making the right decision?

Of course when making a decision, I start to play out the different future scenarios and try to determine if I am taking the right course of action or not. The fact of the matter is that I'll never know what the right decision was because I only get to live out one option. Any possible options will have their pros and cons, and there will be unknowns for each that life throws at me that I could have never predicted. In the end, as I wrote in another post, what matters more than making the right decision, is making the decision right. It's not so much about what decision I make - to finish my degree or not - but rather what actions I take after the fact.

Am I letting my supervisor down?

My supervisor has been great. He has been supportive, understanding, flexible, and patient. When I was first applying to grad school, he was one of the few profs who took the time to respond to my initial emails and to meet with me. He was also the only one who was significantly interested in sponsoring my application. For that I am grateful and I can't help but feel that I owe him one. I would hate to feel that I am letting him down. Rather than surmising that my supervisor would be disappointed, I had a chat with him about this. He essentially said that at this point in his career he has seen it all and he's OK with my decision either way, yet he thinks it's unfair if others get their master's and I don't. He feels I'm deserving of it.

I first wrote the majority of this post a few weeks ago. Getting my thoughts down on paper was a way for me to work through them. At that time grad school was over for me, I was out, and I was very at peace with the decision. In fact, my WHOOP metrics had never been higher!

I never finished nor posted the article though, and in the time since first writing this, new life has been breathed into the possibility of finishing. There is one last avenue I am exploring for getting this done. So is it time for me to quit? My heart still says yes; my mind still says no. I guess time will tell what direction I go and you'll just have to stick around to find out 😉.